Blue.

Hey, I'm Shivi Sharma. I write poetry. You can find more on my instagram page @feralembers, https://www.instagram.com/feralembers/

TW: Self-harm, Self- hatred, Mentions of death, Arson.

Meet Blue who is an embodiment of everyone I've ever met.

"Blue, would you save me?"

I met him yesterday and he asked me if I would want to call it a day and get back home but it's the kind of feeling that takes over you, engulfs you and home isn't home anymore but rather cement blocks bonded together. No space for love. It's the kind of feeling that takes over you when you open a cabinet full of snacks only to realise that it's never what you wanted. He asked me to describe the colour of gold to a blind person and there are three things I could think of. The evening sun of your body, the golden hour, as they call it. The sound of a celebrity entering an event and love. I tell him that I think I'm finally going to be okay, that maybe there's a way out of this and he looks at me as if I'm drunk.

"Blue, do you hate me?"

No, of course you don't hate me. You could never. He tells me that it's the opposite. It's the kind of feeling that takes over you when someone says that, your body starts trembling because you know you're incapable of feeling loved. No, it doesn't matter how many people say that, it never works. It's the way your body changes every month and your hair is suddenly either too greasy or too dry. I can't write poetry anymore so I write about the things that engulf me. 

"Blue, I'm tired of writing about love."

He tells me that love isn't real. It's a facade. It's how one day everything feels unreal. It's how you feel like you could never be okay. You've never really been okay. No, I'm not saying that you're not okay. I'm trying to tell you that I'm not okay. He stopped talking to me. What I'm really trying to say is, they all leave. I could never forget. I would never forget. 

"Hey Blue, I should tell you that I'm not a bad person. They think I am. Blue, do you think I'm a bad person? I think you do. Why did you stop talking to me, Blue? I shouldn't be talking to you. He told me about boys like you. He told me I shouldn't talk to people like you. He said that boys like you are great but you're gonna hurt me, Blue, would you ever hurt me? Blue, I want you to know I wouldn't care if you hurt me. I've already been hurt beyond doubt. Blue I should tell you I'm not afraid to die. Blue, is it over? Are we over? Blue, my house is burning and I need to leave but I want to know if you'd be okay if I ever came over. Blue, do you remember the time when you asked me to tell you why I'm sad? Blue, I'm tired of living. No, not like that. I'm tired of living the way I don't want to live. Blue, I'd die for you. Would you die for me, Blue? Would it be okay if I left? Blue, please, talk to me. Blue they think I'm deranged. Blue, it doesn't matter what they think. Do you think I'm deranged? I'm tired of trying to survive. I don't want to survive. Blue, do you love me? No, I know you love me but do you truly love me? I know you asked her to date you. Blue, I think I'm a bad person. I think I've killed someone. Blue, would you help me murder them? Blue, I don't want to talk to you. I love you but you hurt me, Blue. You hurt me. Blue, I want to die. No, I wouldn't kill myself. They've told me not to. Blue, I think it's over. I think we're over. Blue, do you think we'll ever be okay? Would I ever be okay? Blue, can I come over? I want to sit and sob. I don't care if you're in another room. Blue, I've always been sad. I think that's why you stopped talking to me. Blue, all my wishes are questions you never answered. Blue, I think it's easier to build a house with cement than a home with love. Blue, I think you know I'm deranged. Blue, I'm unhappy. Would you make me happy? Would you sit and cry with me? Blue, I don't want to cry. I don't like crying but if I ever asked you to cry with me would you? I think you wouldn't. Blue, my house burnt down and I didn't know if I could come over so I stayed there. Blue, I am more ash than flesh and I think it's because of you. No, I don't blame you. I'd want to burn a forest too. Blue, I don't want you anymore. Blue, don't you get it? I want you to hate me."